After years of struggling to figure it out – after so many months of agonizing over just what is it I’m supposed to do, and what my greatest passion is and where I can best be used of God – I know now. The smoke has cleared, the battle is over – a rainbow has risen on the horizon, and the peace is indescribable. Why have I been running away from that which I’ve known all along? Why have I been pushing it away, trying to hide from it, rationalize other goals, grasp onto something else? Ah, the trickery of the mind can be so very deceitful, and yes, I have been very unwilling to see what has been right in front of me all along …
But it’s never seemed so right as it does right now, and I can see just exactly what God created and crafted me for (among many things – this is just one of them). He has been whispering it in my ear … gently nudging me towards it, but I just would not accept it. Until now … when I come dancing home, more energized by spending time with my girls than by anything else in the world; feeling their love, pouring my heart out into their lives, knowing I’ve made a difference – and realizing that this – this is what I’ve been meant for all along. Ever since I was a little girl myself, I’ve longed to pour my heart and life out into the lives of children – to make them smile, to be a role model, to be their friend and confidante, to have fun with them, and be a bit kiddish myself still. 😉 Nothing charges me more, exhilarates me more, gives me such a sense of accomplishment, or makes me feel so right.
There are other things I’m passionate about in life too, but when it comes to stepping into some kind of future plans, I feel that this is where God wants me most. He has created me with this love and passion for children, and I can see it evolving in so many ways over the past couple of years, whether it be at CYT or Awana or church. I’ve always vaguely acknowledged it in the back of my mind as “yeah, that’s something I like” and “yeah, I guess I’m good with kids” – but I haven’t realized before just how much it means to me. Were I to do anything else, I would always have a sense of longing to be working with kids, and to see their faces light up, and know that I’m the one that helped to put that light there. To teach them and enlighten them, to play with them and have fun with them, to grow with them and comfort them and reward them and share with them … God has given me so much to give away to them. How dare I turn my back on that, and think I can expend my energies anywhere else? And of course, like I’ve said before, working with them helps to keep the child alive in me … the one that I loved being at their age, and the one that just won’t go away no matter how much older my biological age gets! :]
So here’s to my future … who knows just exactly how the picture will turn out, but I at least know for sure what some of the colors will look like. I may have flip-flopped one too many times in the past, I may have been indecisive and waffle-ish … but God has spoken the word to me, and I can now accept it with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart – so excited for where He will take me next. I have wasted too much time in the past trying to imagine and figure out just what my future will look like – I just need to stop trying to write the script of my life story, and trust my Father with the pen. His ways are so much better and far more perfect than my own. Though it has taken me four years of waiting and praying and crying out in frustration that I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, He has brought me so much closer to Him in the process, and taught me lessons that I can’t even begin to describe. Looking back, I can almost be more thankful for the journey and the process, though painful, than for the final decision that He’s brought me to. Because that’s what life is truly about … the process, the day-to-day walking with Him, and the moment-by-moment communion with the Holy Spirit that grows you ever closer to Him. All the other stuff is just the embellishments – the true meaning of our lives, no matter what we’re doing, is to walk with Him. And He has been so good to me … may I only learn to trust Him more in the coming years. I love my Abba.