Owlish Contemplations

The Girl I Always Wanted To Be

Do you ever wake up some days with your head filled with insecurity? And you think, “I’m just a little bit crazy”? Why would someone be friends with a girl who has five buns on her head and a random braid and sausage curl thrown in there? But then the day gets stranger, and you end up with a face half cat/half fairy with a scar across your eye … and suddenly as you drive home on a summer’s eve with the windows down and the sun setting in a brilliant ball of fire in front of you, you realize …

… you’ve never felt so alive, and you’d rather be no one else in the whole world. And you were meant to shine with your own special light no matter how different it is from anyone else.

Some days, it’s a hard message to digest. Because there are times when the fear is just too debilitating, and you feel foolish for thinking you could accomplish something great, and you fear that all your plans will fall apart or be laughed at, and you’ll fail. Or sometimes, you compare yourself to how brightly others seem to shine, and it makes you retreat into that safe place in your heart where you don’t have to match up … but also where you simply sit numbly by and don’t do anything for fear of their mockery.

As a teenager, this was my constant mode … and people who know me now find it hard to believe that I was shy in high school. But it’s true … I fought the fears of what others thought of me on a daily basis, and wide-eyed, innocent little me just tried to figure out the best way to react so that others wouldn’t know she really didn’t have a clue on Social Skills 101. I was a fast learner … and drama classes helped me gain my confidence. But it’s hard to be confident when you’re still trying to sort out just who you are, and what you’re trying to be confident about. I remember writing so many things when I was younger about “the person I wanted to be” – my “ideal person.” Most often, such descriptions ran into highly idealistic and non-attainable statuses of accomplished persons who were skilled at everything from ballet to fencing. Yet more than anything, I think that deep down, I just wanted to be comfortable with myself at all times, in all situations, and love being the person God made me to be.

And on March 21st, 2012, I wrote this in my journal:

“I always wanted to be that girl who lived life to the fullest, 110%, taking risks, daring to dream big, live out every inspirational quote, and make life an adventure that rivaled the movies.

“I think those dreams and ideals have become a reality.

“For when one stops wishing for things to be a certain way, and instead starts living out the reality of them, life takes on brighter colors and new meaning. Though there will always be new heights to which we can be reaching, I can honestly say I’m the girl I’ve always wanted to be – embracing who God has made me to be and loving every minute of this life He’s given me.”

Please understand that my goal is not narcissism – I’m simply saying that I enjoy being the person that God has created me to be. I never feel so alive than when I’m doing the things that I love, and knowing that I love them helps me give more glory to the Giver of those gifts. The world needs more people like that … people who know who they are and who can confidently do the job God has called them to do, loving every minute of it along the way.

One of my favorite Ann Voskamp sticky notes next to my mirror says this as a constant reminder: “You can give up the need to compete in the world – when you accept being complete in Christ.”

And it’s true. I am complete in Christ – warts and all. Others may not like me, they may ridicule my dancing in the car to my favorite radio songs and my love of all things sentimental … they may scoff at my rosy-tinted view on life or my need to color life with songs from musicals – but I don’t care. I betcha I’m having more fun than them anyway. 😉 And may they also learn to be complete in who Christ made them to be in order to more richly fulfill the tasks they’ve been given to do.

And at the end of the day, no matter what I’ve done, my two prayers are these:

“So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” (Luke 17:10)

“He must become greater; I must become less.” (John 3:30)

This life is for my Savior and Him alone.

One thought on “The Girl I Always Wanted To Be

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