I could have gotten married a long time ago. Or at least dated someone – or several someones – a long time ago. There were the boys who asked me out on dates – whom I admire so much for their courage and for taking a risk and doing the hard thing – actually speaking up when they had feelings. I applaud them. I hated turning them down because I hate disappointing people.
But I just couldn’t say yes, no matter how much of a “good, Christian boy” they were that everyone liked. I had so many people telling me to “give them a chance” and that we’d be so great together and that I was being too picky. Which made me question myself and my decisions – and maybe I should just give them a chance?
Then I’d dip down deep into the core of who I am and I’d remember – no, I can’t. Not even to “be nice.” Because what my heart longs for – and what it aches for – is a kindred spirit. Someone who understands my soul. Someone whose smile is lit by the same things that light a smile in me. Someone whose thinking is like mine – not exactly like mine, because I’d honestly go crazy with someone exactly like me! But someone who sees life like I do – and who syncs with me and the rhythm of my heart.
I’ve said it time and time again – if I can’t have that, then I am more than happy to remain single the rest of my life. You think I’m crazy? You think it doesn’t exist and that we just need to make allowances and just settle with what we can get?
I couldn’t disagree with you more. It DOES exist. I’ve seen it – I’ve tasted the slightest bits of its sampling and if you know what you could have, you could just never, ever settle for what’s “okay.”
I’m not a dreamy-eyed perfectionist idealist. I know it appears that way a lot of the time, but I’ve known enough people in my life time to know that marriage and relationships are hard work. There are disagreements, there are different ways of doing things, there are hard times, and there are incompatibilities. Nobody will ever fit “perfectly” into a relationship because we’re all human. We sin and we have to ask forgiveness and it’s messy and it’s hard.
But the only one I would ever dare to take that chance with is one whom I’d call my best friend. Someone who is worth sharing the struggle and the fight to make love last. If I’m stuck with someone I only marginally like and put up with, I would never have enough motivation to make it last.
I need someone who knows just how to make me laugh when I’m down – and who understands that sometimes silence is okay and it’s golden. I need someone who has the same sense of humor as me – someone whose breath is taken away by the arts – whose relationship with God is stunning and makes me want to run harder after God than anything else. I want someone who inspires me to dream, who challenges me to think beyond my current problems, who prays with me in the hard times, and who sometimes likes to make me a pancake breakfast.
I need someone who understands the contours of my soul and the things that are important to me – all the linings of teaching and kids and theater and HYPE and CYT and cozy homes and hospitality and sharing the Gospel and discipleship and family and books and writing and traveling and tea and dancing. I don’t ask that he be equally passionate about all of those things – but I ask that he love enough of them that makes sharing life together a beautiful series of accomplishing dreams.
I know so many good, Christian boys who are sweet and godly and hard workers. They will make excellent husbands – for other girls. I know that if I marry someday, he will also be a Christ-follower who is a hard worker and godly. But he will also have magic dancing in his eyes that only I can understand. He will script poetry with his life without ever asking for recognition. He will think exquisite thoughts – that will inspire exquisite thoughts within me – and we’ll set to work telling a story with our lives that will set the world on fire … at least our tiny corner of the world.
I’ve glimpsed that possibility in hints of it … through a few men I’ve known in this world that possess some of those very things I’ve mentioned. They weren’t meant for me, obviously, but I believe God let them cross my path to allow me to see that it is possible – and to open my eyes to what I truly, truly want with a potential mate. If I hadn’t met them, I might be duped into thinking that I should just settle for something less because it’s all I can get.
No. If I give my heart away to someone else for a lifetime, it will only be to someone who is a kindred spirit – someone who deserves it 100%. If there is no one else like that on this Earth, then I am so much happier to walk this pathway of life alone … for better to be alone and happily fulfilling God’s purpose for my life than to be married to someone with whom I always feel slightly disappointed.
The best news is that I don’t have to decide that. God has already planned and predestined my future and if He decides to bring me a kindred spirit, I will praise Him. If He does not, I will praise Him also – and continue pouring my life out in service to Him no matter what.
3 thoughts on “Why I Can’t Marry a "Good Christian Boy"”
Oh, Lydia. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
Lydia, I love this post I enjoy reading you posts, it reminds me of our childhood together, you are still the spunky Lydia lee I remember. Thanks for Sharing!!!