30-Day Writing Challenge

Day 6: 5 ways to win your heart

When I saw this prompt, I thought of the many times I’ve written on this topic, and how I could easily write about it again. But then I realized that more important than airing my thoughts again, I needed to ask the people around me what their thoughts on the matter were – more specifically, the men. Because all too often it’s only the ladies who are consulted on the topic, and I don’t think about what the men would say if asked.

So I asked six of my most trusted guy friends, “What are five ways to win a guy’s heart?” and I was blown away by their honesty and their wisdom. I also asked a multitude of my female friends about how to win a woman’s heart, and was similarly challenged by their words of wisdom, so a sequel will be coming on “How to Win the Heart of a Woman.”

I am incredibly thankful to have male friends who think deeply on this topic, articulate it respectfully and truly show what they’re looking for in a woman to win over their hearts. Some of these guy friends are dating, some are single, but all of them were generous and willing to share their thoughts so that we women can learn from them.

Obviously some of the answers might be specific to a certain person – these are not blanket statements that apply to all men. But to honor their thoughts, I’ll share them all so that you can get an idea of the diversity of things that men are looking for (as diverse as my small circle of friends can get, that is!).

1. A Heart that Seeks the Lord
This was expressed in several different ways, but was definitely deemed to be the most heart-winning.

One friend said that the girl should want God more than she wants him, and that she should know clearly that God is leading her to him (not just looking for a casual relationship or even just the “ideal” of a family and marriage to a nice guy who fits the boxes).

Another friend worded it like this – “Obviously the most important is that she has to love the Lord. But what that really means is does she have genuine compassion for unbelievers and a desire to share with them the hope of the gospel. That also means that she finds her ultimate joy and satisfaction in Christ. That she isn’t looking to please man (such as approval from other women, or constantly comparing herself to other women) but finding her absolute joy in knowing Christ. And that joy is visible in her daily life.”

Still another stated that a godly heart is “a pure, honest and compassionate heart.”

And another said that she should love Jesus and SHOW it – it’s one thing to love Him, but for it to be apparent is a whole other level.

So ladies – it may seem that no one notices your walk with Christ, but trust me – the deeper it is, the more clearly it will spill over and a man of quality will be attracted to that more than anything. Obviously that shouldn’t be our motivation for our relationship with God, but rather it sets the foundation for everything else in our lives – relationships with men most of all.

2. Sense of Humor
Also appearing in almost every response was that the lady should have a sense of humor. This could be a little different for each guy, depending on their sense of humor (so sharing the same sense of humor would be important, clearly), but all of them seemed to agree that laughing together is important.

One guy said that he wanted someone who could appreciate being silly with him. Another said that if you can’t laugh together, you’re missing out. Another one said that she should have a love for humor and make it easy to be around her (making time together low-pressure). Another described it as having a “great personality” – knowing how to laugh and take a joke, but also knowing how to be serious when appropriate.

Relationships clearly aren’t going to be humorous all the time, but it seems clear that the ability to laugh and have fun together (whether that’s being silly and goofy or just knowing how to joke around together) is one that will keep you on the right track together.

3. Motivated/Determined/Strong in Convictions
This was stated in several different ways, but there seemed to be a common thread that it is attractive to a man to see a woman who knows what she believes in, where she’s going, and how to persevere to get there.

The first one stated it as such: “Proactive or Motivated -There is something oddly attractive about a girl who has her life together. She sets goals and seeks to meet those goals! That shows ambition which I find both inspiring and ‘heart-winning.’”

The next one framed it as “Sassy spunk. Maybe this is just me, but I appreciate a good sense of determination. A girl that sticks to her principles in this way is beautiful.”

And then the third one described it as “intelligence and strong will (having convictions and not being afraid to state them).”

So girls, don’t be afraid to think deep thoughts, have exciting goals, and pursue great dreams – because there will be men out there who admire you for that and want to share in that with you.

4. Quality Character Traits
There were many different types of character traits mentioned, but it was clear by all of my guy friends that the lady should be pursuing a character of gold.

That might include a strong sense of family and family relationships as described by this friend – “Has a solid relationship with her/my family -This is the girl I will (in theory) spend the rest of my life with, if they can manage to enjoy spending time with my family and I, with hers? Wife her up!”

Or “attentive listening and empathetic understanding” as described by this friend. Also, “honest and open about feelings and thoughts (not playing coy or mind games that a guy would have to guess at) – straightforward.”

Or kindness or “a giving heart. If you’re both givers then this is perfect! It also reflects a lack of self-centeredness, and a genuine care for others.”

Or in the words of this friend, “Being able to face adversity and difficulties with joy and perseverance. It’s ok to be sad and have time for recovery, but a girl who is constantly ‘depressed’ or can’t stop thinking about the situation is very unappealing. So in one word: attitude.”

I’m sure there are many other character traits that would be necessary and appealing in someone of potential wife quality, but these are the kinds of things that men are noticing first. These character traits often affect many other areas of life, so ladies, if you are developing these, likely the others will also fall into place.

5. Miscellaneous
This is where the answers varied a little bit and reflected the unique personalities of the guys I’m lucky enough to be friends with. I appreciate that they were willing to share these things, since they are important to them, and it reminds me that every guy is different. Many of the things that will appeal to a man will be similar, but there will always be those individual things that will set him apart and be attractive to him.

For example, a few friends mentioned being adventurous, having an adventurous spirit, and not being afraid to try new things (author’s note: men, be sure to specify what “adventure” means – because if you mean riding a dirt bike down the side of a mountain, and she means trying out new bookstores, you might be in for a serious clash of understanding!).

A couple friends stated that looks factor in as well. I’m grateful that they said this because it is the truth. Obviously looks don’t mean everything, but it is important to be physically attracted to the other person. As one friend said, “It’s a baseline, and once it’s reached, other more important factors can take effect.”

One friend said, “Not completely losing one’s sense of childhood. Basically, the ability to be grown up, have adult responsibilities, but still able to be excited about building a blanket fort, or going on a spontaneous adventure late into the night.”

Another said, “For me I really admire women who don’t wear a ton of makeup and are fine without wearing any. That shows confidence.”

And finally, another friend mentioned, “Being musically gifted. There may be more out there who appreciate a musical woman than I’m aware of, but this is a big one for me! If she can sing or (BONUS) play guitar/piano? That’s wonderful! That way we can make beautiful music together!”

There are so many ways out there to draw a woman to the heart of a man. Some are monumental and some are smaller in scale. But I think it’s fascinating to learn about them and to respectfully take them into consideration.

I don’t think there is a formula out there to make a woman attractive to a man, and I don’t think there’s a checklist that someone can follow to make a relationship happen. More often than not, it’s a combination of all of these things, plus the right timing, plus that last, invisible ingredient called chemistry that makes it work out between two people.

But the more I learn about the way a man’s heart and mind work, the more I can learn to respect them and work on becoming a woman of heart and character that would inspire them and be worthy of winning.

I’m so grateful to not just these six who responded, but to all of the wise, gracious, Christ-seeking men in my life who show me examples of men after God’s own heart. All of them are inspiring and faithful leaders.

Keep fighting the good fight, men. I believe in you, and the task to which you are called.