30-Day Writing Challenge
Day 6: 5 ways to win your heart
Two days ago I wrote about “How to Win the Heart of a Man” after interviewing six male friends with the question, “What are five ways to win a guy’s heart?” I also interviewed nine female friends with the question, “What are five ways to win a girl’s heart?” and I was inspired and challenged by their responses.
All of their answers helped broaden my thoughts on what it takes to win the heart of a lady, and I definitely agreed with what they had to say. I’m grateful to be friends with such wise young ladies who have high standards and won’t settle for less than being pursued by quality men.
And again, I have to reiterate that these are not blanket statements that apply to all women out there, but I did see repeated qualities that I do believe speak for many women of our age and in our demographic. As we ladies learned from the men, I hope that you men can also learn from the ladies on what it takes to truly win our hearts. So without further ado …
1. A Heart for the Lord and Spiritual Leadership
Just as with the men, the most valued characteristic that my friends put down in winning their hearts is the man’s relationship with God and his heart for pursuing the things of Christ.
One friend said it this way: “He loves the Lord above all else- when a man dearly loves God, seeks His will above all else, serves Him, and digs deep into His Word, WOW. That’s some good stuff right there. A man after God’s own heart can definitely pursue mine!”
Another friend said, “Help her along in her relationship with Christ. Make sure she knows that you are prepared to lead her in every area, but especially in her faith.”
Another mentioned that he should “love the Lord, study God’s word, seek biblical answers, and wisdom from other believers.”
Still another said, “He points me to Jesus and pursues the Lord with genuine desire and gusto.
And finally, one friend said it this way: “An Obsession with Christ: There really is nothing more attractive than a guy in love with Christ. So many men know how to pass as “good guys” by saying the right things and showing up to the right events. What I really notice, though, is how do they act when they don’t think you’re paying attention. What is he saying to his friends when he doesn’t notice you standing behind him? When he is in the middle of a busy and stressful week, does he still slow down and take time for the important things? The minutia of a person’s life generally paint a clear picture of who they really are.”
And I would agree. I think that it is important for a man to show his spiritual leadership. I would say to let your prayer life, Bible reading/study, and discipleship flow out of you naturally so that it draws her closer to Christ … for the closer you bring her to Christ, the closer you’ll draw her to you.
2. Motivated, Has a Sense of Passion for Life’s Calling
While not mentioned by all, several friends described that it is heart-winning when a man clearly knows the direction he is going in life.
One friend stated that it is important to be “showing a girl your passion and how you pursue them (I don’t mean like romantic passions, I mean like your calling).”
Another said it similarly – “Passionate. Not necessarily romantic passion, but passionate about things in their life. Something they love, and passion to share with others. Their eyes light up when they talk.”
And a third reiterated – “I want a man who is sure of himself and knows what he wants, as well as, champions me in my pursuits and dreams and the calling that God has placed on my life.”
It may not seem monumental, but by going somewhere with your life, you are showing that you are your own person, you are a leader, and that you are intrinsically motivated to do something that counts with your life. Let your goals and passions be evident and exciting, and they will become infectious. A woman admires a man who knows his calling in life and isn’t afraid to pursue it.
3. Servant-Hearted
Brought up again and again – in different ways, but still the same theme – was the importance of serving others. It is true – it is rather heart-melting to a woman to see a man who isn’t afraid to do the hard work, who is quick to volunteer to help out, and who can labor without recognition.
Some put it as “Serving others as a means to share the gospel, both locally and globally.”
Others put it as “being willing to help her, even when she doesn’t ask for it. This can be super simple like just helping with chores, or it can be more intensive.”
Another example was, “Simple manners and chivalry go a long way. Always acknowledge her. Even if you are dating and past formalities, still text an honest ‘how are you doing today’ or ‘how was your day?’ Open doors, if she has to drive home late at night ask her to call or text when she gets home. Many of us are independent and strong women – we are proud of it too. But that doesn’t mean that we are opposed to someone looking out for us.”
And one was simply, “He is a servant- he seeks to help others in any way they need. He loves others well, even those who are not kind or who disagree.”
4. Shows a Genuine Interest in What is Important to Her
I don’t necessarily think that a man has to love everything that the woman loves. But it is a beautiful thing when he shows genuine interest in what she loves – and wants to know more about it. This was mentioned several times by my friends in different ways –
“Treat the things that are important to her as worthy of your attention and concern. Whether it’s a school or work project she keeps talking about, and baby shower she is throwing for a friend, a relationship she’s concerned about … Talk with her about it. Offer your help/your presence if she needs it, but if nothing else really listen to her and follow through with her on how things are going.”
“Take an interest in what interests her. If I know someone is making an effort to get to know something that interests me, I will be more inclined to do the same for them.”
“Make an effort to be part of her family.”
“Friendship” and “Remember things I say – when I talk, actually listen.”
A woman will feel cared for by a man who shows selflessness and genuine love for what she loves and cares about. Her heart is filled with many things that she cares about – care about them, too, and you will draw her heart to you.
5. Pursues a Character of Gold
More than anything, the qualities that were brought up by the ladies had to do with the man’s character (just as the men mentioned in their responses about the ladies). The most attractive qualities about him will be those revealed in his character – how he treats us and how he treats others.
For example – honesty.
“He is honest, especially with his feelings towards a girl. He doesn’t flirt, and when he knows he has romantic feelings, he waits until he is ready and she is ready (maturity, spiritually, emotionally) to say them (respectfulness!) He is honest and bold in sharing (I know it can be hard! What a vulnerable space! But it’s his job to initiate!) He is clear with his words, and he is open.”
Also, kindness:
“Be kind to those who need it most (servers, cashiers, baristas).”
“Kindness: There’s a difference between being nice and kindness. A nice person does a good job of abiding by expected social norms and is relationally adept. While there is overlap between these two, there’s also a definite distinction between the two. A kind individual may be socially awkward but will go out of his/her way to be ‘nice’ to someone even when it’s inconvenient for them. A nice guy is almost always generally well-liked and noticed because a motivating factor behind many of his actions is ‘I want so-and-so to think well of me,’ while a kind guy may fly under the radar because he doesn’t seek recognition for his actions.”
“Respectful to all people, in all positions.”
“I desire a man who is humble, authentic, and warm in his interactions with people. I want him to love people well.”
They also mentioned humble leadership, putting others first, getting in good with her friends (or just showing respect in general to the other females in her life – mom, grandma, sisters, etc.), and consistency/loyalty (showing up when he said he would).
Reading a list like that might seem overwhelming and impossible, but remember this: if the man is pursuing the character of Christ, then these other character traits will end up falling into place naturally. It isn’t so much a checklist as it is things that are noticed and appreciated in quality men.
6. Pursues Her, Encourages Her, and Protects Her
I really tried to fit this into another category, but it simply warranted a category of its own. And I think it’s only fitting, seeing as how men were made to be the leaders, women were meant to be pursued, and we find great joy and attraction in a man who is living that role out.
I love the way this friend said it: “He is a leader. He initiates, even when it is scary and hard and makes him want to throw up. He knows the role God has given him in romantic relationships, and works hard to do what God asks. He is wise, and seeks the Lord for guidance in his leadership.”
Also the way this one said it: “Pursue her in an ‘old fashioned’ kind of way. Keep texting to a minimum and call her instead. Surprise her with fun, unique dates. Let her know that she is valued, wanted, and special to you.”
And this friend was so spot on as well: “Encourage her. She deals with daily voices saying that she’s not enough, successful enough, good enough, that she isn’t worthy of love, or worthy of a good man. Dismantle those lies for her. Constantly affirm her identity in Christ and affirm the woman God has been molding her in to. She’s not a mind reader so tell her specifically the things you appreciate about her, the ways you see God working through her, and pray with her when she feels weak and inadequate.”
The culture tries to tell us that this is not the way to do it anymore. However, these dear friends and I are living proof that this is what our womanly hearts crave – and we are here to support you so much in it.
7. Miscellaneous
As with any survey, there will be those things that are heart-winning that are more specific to a few people – so these are the additional things that were mentioned that may or may not apply to everyone.
Several mentioned having a sense of humor, for example: “Is able to make me laugh – I want a man who interrupts my serious and determined self, who finds joy for me and with me.”
Along with that, one friend said, “Sarcastic & enjoys football: I am a sarcastic individual who loves football, so sharing these interests would definitely be perks. If he doesn’t appreciate sarcasm, chances are pretty high it’s not going to work out.”
One friend said, “Have a beard,” while another said, “I would say a man who is dashingly handsome, with a really good sense of style!”
Another mentioned, “Be willing to talk with her…really talk. Go beyond the small talk and dig deep. Long and deep conversations make me feel connected with someone, and that’s definitely what you want in a relationship!” (Which is a personal heart-winner for me!)
Another friend said, “Plan a detailed evening out for the two of you. If you are newly dating, take whatever information you do know about her and plan an evening together. You may be worried that she may not like everything or that she’ll think your ideas are dumb. But if she’s anything like myself, any plans you put forth that she perceives as being laced with personal thought and care will give her a good case of the warm and fuzzies towards you.”
And another one included, “An intellectual partner/debater: I love a good argument Someone who challenges and respects me on an intellectual level is important. Honestly, it’s really attractive, when I’m expressing strong opinions, when someone outright disagrees with me and engages with me on whatever issue I was discussing.”
Winning the heart of a woman might seem like a difficult job. But hear me when I say this:
You needn’t try to be perfect, my good man. In fact, the more willing you are to be humbly honest and broken about your own stumblings and faults, the dearer you will become to her.
Seek wisdom from older men as you desire to win her heart. Take their advice, take chances, and take it to the Lord daily in prayer. Trust God’s timing – and trust her to Him. He’s working on the both of you – and when it’s time to bring you together, nothing will keep you apart.