My life today felt like a bubble that was slowly caving in on me. The stress and anxiety welled up within me until I was speaking sharply to people, it was difficult for me to smile, and I could barely focus on one person in front of me because my mind was racing with a million details that had to get taken care of – all within the span of an hour and a half.
And instead of trusting the sovereignty of God that all would get taken care of in due time – I allowed myself to think I was in charge, making me take out my frustrations on those around me. My highest priority was everything getting done the way I thought it should get done – and I was thus putting myself at the center of my world.
I find this happening when I allow my schedule to become too full, and when I take on too many commitments. I suddenly feel like things are spinning out of my control, and in order to get them back in my control, I end up making unloving choices that reveal my self-centeredness.
When I find myself falling down this hole, I need to grasp onto the truth of my true place in relationship to God. First of all, He is ultimately in charge, not me. If things don’t go the way I planned or according to my schedule, it could very well be a reminder from Him to trust Him more and myself less. It’s also a reminder to be humble – to rely not on my own faulty strength, but on the strength of the King of the Universe.
I also need to remember that my first priority (after loving God) is my relationship with other people. I need to cherish them more than the outcome of my events. I need to stop and listen to them when they are trying to communicate with me. I need to extend grace, even when they don’t deserve it. I do need to be firm when necessary & hold others accountable, especially when I’m leading them, but I don’t need to do it in a harsh way. If I do, I destroy trust and the safe place that we have built up together.
Today, I didn’t do this well. It was a reminder of the frailty of this vessel called my life and my own incredible need for grace. Thankfully I have a Heavenly Father who is so willing to give grace and to teach me the lessons I need to learn from my own failures.
And may tomorrow be a fresh start that allows for application of hard lessons learned today. May I remember to restore relationships, speak kindly and patiently, and pause in the middle of what feels overwhelming to find my calm in God. Even a simple moment re-centering myself on truth can turn me away from self-centeredness and to the One who can forever be trusted. Unlike me, He never fails. How thankful I am for that!