I am done. I have tried so hard the past few months to give the men a try, to keep an open mind, to “consider my options,” and I can’t do it anymore.
And I knew it the day I found this quote on Pinterest. This quote sums up all I’ve ever wanted in a relationship, and the moment I read it, I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t crazy.
I’ve heard some men say, “Aren’t we all looking for the same thing? We just want someone to share life with.” No, I think I’d disagree. We are not all looking for the same thing. At least I’m not. I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist with many people. And because I’ve spent “mere moments in the abyss” as the poet says, “nothing else will ever do.”
I don’t want the forced conversations, the feigned interest, the myriad of inane messages with someone I’ve never met. I don’t want the gaping lack of connection, the marginal interest, the heavy weight of this chore of trying to find “the one.” I hate the “shopping” feeling, the consumer idea of trying people on for size and trying to put our best feet forward. I don’t want any of it.
I just want – for once in my life – a man who feels the chemistry with me in real life the way I do with him – and I want him to fall in love with me and do something about it.
I’m tired of arguing with people telling me that it takes time and you just never know and you should give them a chance. I’ve done that. I’ve put in my time.
And it is wearying to my soul. My soul that is a guarded treasure – one that I have protected for many years and which I share fully with very few. People don’t realize how much I’m not sharing with the world – how much I keep hidden away – how much I long to share it with someone who will truly understand.
They might think I’m afraid of opening up and connecting with someone else. But I know myself. I’m only afraid of the wrong people trying to force their way in where they don’t belong. The right person won’t make me feel afraid. With him I shall feel safe. He shall uncover my innermost soul gently, one layer at a time, and I shall delight in sharing it with him, for he will have a beautiful soul to share with me, too.
I just flinch away from the grubby, greedy hands of men who don’t deserve to get anywhere near my soul – and desperately hope that one day there will be someone far better than that.
But right now, I’m kind of doubting there ever will be. Maybe I’ve had the only tastes I’ll ever get of the abyss in this life, and maybe I just need to accept that and move on, not expecting anything more. Maybe my soul will go into hibernation, and maybe if that’s ever to change, God will have to do a miracle.
And if you’re married and reading this, I can’t hear your solutions at the moment. Because tonight my bones just ache with the exhaustion of always hoping that a boy will love me back and always being disappointed. There is nothing more I can do to change my heart or theirs.
And if that is the means by which I must remain single for God’s purposes right now, then I will accept that. And maybe He desires for me to put aside all my trying and striving for some out-of-reach relationship and just throw myself with whole-hearted passion into these single days.
Maybe there are reasons for reaching breaking points in our lives where we’ve finally had enough, and we can’t do it anymore. Maybe those reasons are to lead us into new seasons with new purposes and a clearer picture of who God is and what He has for us.
And part of that picture of God is a gentle and loving Father, surrounding me with His tender care. He knows the ache in my bones, for He created me and all my deepest longings. He weeps with me when I wake from the sweetest dreams that are a mockery of all that I can’t have. And His Word draws me back to Him with the promise that I am never alone, though I feel ever so lonely.
So tonight, my dear friend, if you too feel done, it’s okay to say that. It’s okay to stop striving for human approval, for human expectations, and human solutions. It’s okay to lean into God and give Him the weight of your sorrows and ask Him to show you a new season of life that no one else might really understand. And it’s okay to treasure those moments in the abyss when the rest of the world is skating by on the surface.
And to be honest, there are some very exciting things being hinted at around the next bend in the road, and they excite me far more than the anxiety-inducing rat race of dating.
So I will trust that God knows what He’s doing as He calls my soul away to its hiding place – knowing that if it ever comes out, it will indeed be for a very special man. And I will sojourn on through tears and temptations, knowing my God will finish the good work He began in me.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Picture gleaned from Pinterest.